How To Recover And Learn From Anger

And it's building up, every day, until it is too late...

And while it's difficult to manage it in the moment , with practice, anger can be your best friend.

Anger seems like our worst enemy when we become parents. Even though it is one of our primary emotions, (along with fear, surprise, grief, joy and disgust) it has the role to communicate us that something important to us is going unmet for too long and it cannot be ignored any further.

That's right, even your child's anger is completely valid, here to communicate something. All those tantrums are your child's best attempt to communicate a need that is going chronically unmet. Is not about the blue cup or the red cup. It is more likely the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

When we shame, criticize, induce fear or blame our children's angry outburst, we are not dealing with the root cause. We only see what is at the surface. Suppressed emotions can be the underlying cause for depression and anxiety. Affecting behaviour patterns and clear thinking.

While this is not obvious when children are young, it can create a variety of physical problems and even disruptive relationships in the future.

This is how many of us have been raised.

We have not been taught how to express our anger in healthy ways. We are struggling with irritability, frustration and trying to become calmer, less reactive and more at peace within ourselves.

When I was trying to resist anger, it was just growing inside of me. The more I was resisting it, the louder and stronger it became. The only way I knew how to realise it was by yelling, slamming or kicking. Not the best way to behave while trying to set an example for our tiny human being.

The stress accumulated from disagreements with my husband or other people around me, made me become even more reactive, and the worst part : it was affecting my behaviour with my son. After all, it wasn't his fault, that I didn't know how to regulate my emotions.

I have to be calm.

I shouldn't be angry!

How can other parents be so peaceful?

If you keep crying I'm going to give you something to cry about!

Why you don't listen for once?

Stop acting out! It is annoying.

I knew that I have to find another way. I don't want to turn into the way I was raised. Where my mom was shouting, bribing, punishing or even spanking when she was angry at us. Nor like my father who was using his belt "to teach us a lesson".

This is not how I want to raise our son.

The key is to be in harmony with your body. To feel when your "thermometer is rising" , know your triggers-to avoid them when possible, and access your calming tool ( for some people this can be deep belly breathing, humming or singing). When you feel your anger rising, you are willing to trust your body that it can contain this emotional experience giving yourself self-compassion and empathy.

Not forcing yourself to be calm. Allow the emotion to flow through your body. By acknowledge it and  breathing through it, you can choose how you would like to respond in any given scenario.

My mantra is: I am safe! My anger is here to tell me something.

Anger can be your best friend if you are making use it constructively.

It is a life force energy that is serving us to be in motion. Try cleaning, singing, dancing or even write to yourself a letter.